The Sex Was Totally Worth the Alcoholism

A long time ago, and once upon a time, I actually did have a lover.  It was in New Orleans.  I had been living there and working as a waiter for about nine months before we met.  I was just shortly after our meeting promoted to bartender.  The tips are better, and the hourly pay rate doubled.  Then the hurricane came, and we moved in together.  Then I came.

It was during the three trimesters leading up to our coupling, and the proceeding year of our year long engagement that my drinking went from excessive to problematic.  All we did - for a year - was drink, fuck, smoke weed, fuck, drink, incur debt, drink, watch the same five movies over and over again, drink, fuck, fuck, fuck some more....  It was the most fun filled year of my entire life.  It was non-stop.

That was the problem.  I used the words, "most fun-filled" because I could not in good conscience have used the words, "best".  It was hands down the absolute worst year of my life.  And I was once molested by a person I had to pretend to be cool with almost every single day for over two years.  That will fuck your head up.  But that pair of years - that long pair of years - even collectively not as destructive as the one.  But the pair was an utter pit of despair.  At least the one was a whole lot of fun.

It did, however, nearly destroy me physically and psychologically... well, really mostly only physically.  When you develops the level of physical dependence on alcohol as I managed to develop during my 21 months in NOLA, you will consider just riding it out until you die.  Because the withdrawal is horrifying.  More on that in a future post.  At any rate, I'm still working out some years later, although I think I may be onto something.

In the past, since I decided to get control of my addiction...
     I know, we're all told that we can't get control of an addiction.  It's bullshit.  Anyone can do it.  It's      a simple matter of understanding the nature of the thing, and then using that understanding to              manipulate the addiction the was that it has been manipulating you.  I don't know which is worse:        that most civilians believe the line, or that most "addiction specialists" know it ain't so.
...I've taken the "trust your feelings on the matter.  When you feel you're ready to try again, gear up, dry out, and start counting the days, weeks, or months (never went longer than four of them) and then, when you feel you'd like to try getting back into bed with the bottle, go ahead and do that.

That actually sounds really stupid when I write it out like that.  Anyway, I'm trying a different approach...  a commitment.  That's all.  In my case, considering my long history, I've decided to make a full year commitment.  Not a drop of alcohol to pass these lips until the 19th of December 2018.